Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
