some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
