He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
