i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
His nipple licking is glorious
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