Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
