Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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