Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
