i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I smell stomach acid.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
