If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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