Did you just see the Batmobile???
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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