Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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