ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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