somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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