I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Randomize
