Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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