M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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