You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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