Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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