I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
