I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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