I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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