i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I deserve this hangover.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
