I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Randomize
