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i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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