but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We got so high we made milksteak
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
