I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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