I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
