Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
