Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
