Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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