I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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