saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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