i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
