I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
