When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
