Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
