He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
