Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Randomize
