fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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