I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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