Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
