Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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