Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
