So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
