im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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