nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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