I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
