i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
