I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Four minutes until I can fart!
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
