there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
