At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I forget how to act sober
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